Thoughts in the night
by Daehin
Summary: Many thoughts pass through ones head when laying awake at night. Let's take a look at those passing through Draco Malfoys a random night some years after the end of the war. Ignores epilogue, contains DM/HP. Two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own or claim to own neither the story of Harry Potter or any of the characters there in belonging.

Authors note: I just want to take the opportunity to thank all of those who have read my other stories, especially you who reviewed. It meant a lot to me so thanks. :)

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I can feel you next to me, your breath softly brushing my cheek as you wander through the land of dreams. Your hand is resting next to my arm, so close but still not touching. Your eyes are closed, even though I do not see them the rhythm of you breath is telling me so. It is at times like these I start to wonder what I've done to deserve you.

You saw past all of my layers, past all the pretend, past all my fear. What made you take that decision I wonder. What made you decide to see to it that I stopped pretending, to decide that you at any cost would make me come true. That's something I can never thank you enough for, never repay you for. But it is a debit I don't mind carrying.

When you first took you decision I did know nothing of it. What I noticed was that you suddenly stopped answering back when I insulted you. You simply looked at me, as if you hadn't heard what I'd said and still waited for what I was going to say. Your face and posture devoid of any expression or reaction other than possibly a slight interest and expectation to what I was going to say.

I didn't know how to react in turn to your sudden change in behaviour, non of us did. We tried to laugh it of and make fun of it but we all felt how badly of guard it caught us. So what it did was making us hesitate before we attacked you, afraid of the feeling of being lost that every encounter suddenly gave us.

You started greeting me when meet. Nothing grand or special, just the same small pleasantries you exchanged with everyone. Just normal greetings but when giving them to me there was nothing normal over it.

The first few weeks everyone stared at you when you did it, as had you grown two heads, but in the end they got used to it. You are their Saviour after all.

I didn't. It totally freaked me out. I didn't know what to do so as usual I took the easy way out and simply ignored you, only allowing myself to react by occasionally sneering at you as I walked by.

I hoped you would give up. Anyone else would have but not you. You just went on and on no matter what I said or did. Even through the days I ignored you, you kept smiling and greeting me as had I smiled back at you.

In the beginning it was only greetings but after the first few week instead of stopping it grew to small-talk-like questions. If I'd done that and that essay or if I'd slept well. I'm sure the rest of the school wrote it of as an odd quirk of yours or something. At least it didn't cause any more then a few raised eyebrows. Your friends must have been in it from the start thought, or else Ron would never have let it pass without loud objections.

As it was now he only showed slight discomfort but, to my surprise I have to admit, he stayed by you everytime. He never admitted my existence though, he never greeted me even with the slightest smile as Hermione did from time to time. Probably that was as far as you could make him go, to agree on not fighting with me but to ask him to act as you did would have been to push him too far. Not that I minded, having you being nice was freaky enough.

But you won in the end, just like you today say you knew from the start you would. I could fight you when you fought back, I could sneer and smirk at anger, fear and, as much as I today hate to admit it, hurt and pain. But I couldn't do it to kindness, friendly words and smiles without feeling guilty. Not immediately but slowly it creeped on me until I no longer could bear it. So under the pretend that it was to shake you I one day did answer you, I mean you couldn't possibly expect me to answer you now could you?

But you didn't show any signs of surprise. The only reaction was a slight widening of your smile. Even though I'd by then, of course, already gone by. I had realized then how silly I must be looking, ignoring you and your nothing but friendly words. The realization was deep inside but it was only that long I could pretend it didn't exist.

So bit by bit my defenses fell and I came to occasionally stop and answer your questions. After all, I am a Malfoy and small-talk is something I had to learn early to do. But all the time my irritation grew. I still didn't know why you did what you did and still didn't trust you.

So, there I was one day, standing outside that vulgar painting asking you see you. When you came out I caught a quick glimpse of the shocked inhabitants of your common room No matter being used to the greetings and the small-talk, this was clearly not expected. A small victory, but a victory non the less. It pacified me somewhat but not by any means enough.

I yelled at you that night, let all my expiration and puzzlement out. All my fears. You'd cracked my outermost layer and now all the other fell together with the last shards of that one.

I accused you of all sort of things, of having devious plans, of making fun of me behind my back, of doing it out of pity. I didn't even know what I was saying half of the time, once I'd started to let things out all the flood behind the gates came rushing forward, unstoppable and out of control. I couldn't hold anything back anymore, all came out no matter if I wanted it to or not.

How badly I wanted you to say I was right, that at least one of my accusations was right. Then my world would be back to normal, I could go back to detesting you. But you just stood there, looking at me through it all until was empty. Then, when I stood there silent, shaking with raging emotions I didn't even know how to start naming, you simply walked up to me and put your arms around me. Quietly telling me over and over again all would be alright as you stroked my back and the tears that had started falling halfway through my yelling streamed down my cheeks.

I know, now when looking back, that those tears were for so much more than just out of anger. It was all the tears that had been pushed back since all too many years back. And I think that from the moment I said the first word there had been no way to avoid letting them loose, probably I already knew that before, subconsciously, and therefore avoided talking you you as long as possible. Which was the reason I already was past my break-point even when I first came to the entrance of your common room Maybe even as I took the decision to go there.

It was only pure desperation that held me together. Pure, raw, desperation. And when you held me I for the first time began to realize it was okay to break, that it was okay to cry and be weak. That I wouldn't be shunned for it. I think a part of me was testing you that night, testing if you really would stay no matter what I said. If I really could trust you.

How easily you could have done differently, it would have been perfectly reasonable if you'd gotten angry, if you'd left me that time. If you'd just walked out. Had you done that I would have lost the last shred of humanity and truly turned into the monster the world expected me to be.

I know you disagree with me on this. Firstly because you think to be stronger than I truly are and secondly because you're so extremely sure that I wouldn't have been able to make you leave no matter what I'd said or done. Sure I wouldn't have hurt you.

But either way, you did what you did and by doing so you helped me take my first tentative steps down the path of healing, down the path to become whole again. Or as whole as I ever can become.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder where I would be today if you'd done differently, if I would be anywhere at all, but at the sometime I don't really want to think of it. Of what could have happened.

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To be continued.....


	2. Chapter 2

Authors Note: I'm not all happy with this but, oh well. Hopefully you won't find it too bad.

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When my tears at last ran dry and I started to calm down you stayed where you where with you arms around me until I myself had collected myself enough to step back. Since I had no pretend left to act for anyway I allowed myself to stay in you embrace for a few more moments before I stepped away. Allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of having someone who cared, someone who was there for me when I needed them. My parents weren't very loving when I grew up and embraces had always been something I rarely experienced. Not that I was very bothered by the lack of them, it was how it always had been after all. It was one of all the things I was, and from there on would be, changing my opinion about and realize I actually enjoyed.

There I was, raised to be cold and taught signs of the opposite was nothing but weakness. Had the situation been different I probably would have shrugged you of from the start, before I had time to get used to it, but as the situation was I hardly reflected on it until I already unconsciously accepted it.

Once I'd stepped back I didn't really know what to do or say, but knew that if I didn't say anything the tension would quickly rise to unbearable heights. But like you have the talent of doing you solved it for me, this time by suddenly break out laughing. Not sure what you were laughing at I felt my guards rise, a part of me once again exception you to make fun of me, to take back your earlier soothing words and actions.

As if you could feel what I was doing you did your best to straiten out and calm down. Not fully succeeding you reassured me that what I was thinking wasn't the case and asked me to use the looking glass that had appeared next to me.

I did look rather funny. My normal well kept hair was now all over the place and crying had raised my normal pale complexion more then I myself had ever seen it. Even if it hurt my pride to do it I had to admit I understood your amusement Trying , and failing, to look put out with being the source of your amusement I only increased your laughter.

Soon I too had to fall in with you, like so many times later unable to resist you laughter. A while after that we both went our different ways to try and get some sleep.

The dream I had that night is something I never told you. From the start because I never been much for reading meaning into dreams and didn't want to seem silly, but also because the clear meanings of it was bigger than I was ready to face at that point.

I dreamed I was standing in a room full of people but separation me from all the others was a transparent wall. I was dressed in the formal robes of my family, heavy and uncomfortable I had always hated them. When I tried to talk to those around me none seemed to hear or see me no matter what I did.

Suddenly desperate to make contact I tried to break the wall but the robes stopped me from moving freely and when I moved forward the walls seemed to be moving with me. I grew more and more tired and felt more and more alone and desperate. Then suddenly when I was about to give up one of the figures stopped in front of me and to my endless surprise and relief it seemed to see me.

Slowly a hand was raised and just as slowly, as if not to scare me, it penetrated the wall which i now realized wasn't of glass but more like a force field or magical barrier of some kind. The hand stretched towards me but stayed halfway, as if waiting for me to shake it. First I hesitated, not sure if it would be pulled back just before I reached it or not. But the hand stayed where it was and at last I raised my own hand and grabbed it. When I did that the hand clasped mine and with a sudden pull it pulled me be through the wall and toward the owner of the hand.

This time the walls stayed in place as I moved, and as I passed through them I felt my robes be ripped of from my body, though with a lot more pain then it normally would have caused. Stumbling to my feet as the pull stopped I saw I now was dressed in what I recognized to be muggle clothes. And for some reason it didn't feel strange at all to wear them. You, for the person who'd pulled my hand of course turned out to be you, still held my hand and with the certainty one only have in dreams I knew that if you let go I would fall far further then before, far further then I ever would be able to come back from. But when you then smiled I also knew that you wouldn't. The last thing I can remember is your voice telling me "Welcome".

I woke up that morning to the knowledge of having passed trough that wall and that I now was standing there, my hand in your's, on the unknown other side and know I was welcome. Together with the robes I'd also left behind with my old self lay all the pretend and masks I'd worn over the years.

It was a trial to step out of my room that morning without putting up any mask, to step out of the room and still be myself through and through. How defenseless I felt! So extremely exposed.

I had since the start of your rescue mission drifted apart from my former friends in slytherin and when I took the step to answering your greetings I, in their eyes, also turned my back to them. I guess you never can have your front towards two opposites at once. You will have to turn your back to one of them.

However, I didn't mind much most of the time, true we had been what I guess you could see as the slytherin version of close friends but more out of habit since childhood when our parents put us together than anything else. And it wasn't like I was being ignored or so, we still shared dorm after all and specially now after the war we couldn't afford to shun people who did something we opposed.

But any way, if anyone noticed the difference they didn't comment on it as I made my way to breakfast. Reaching the Great Hall the first thing I saw was you leaning against the wall next to the doors. When you saw me you got of the wall and smiled at me.

-"Morning. Up for breakfast?"

I still remember those words as had you said them to me only yesterday.

After that day I bit by bit became part of your group of friends. Even Ron accepted me in the end. We might never become the best of friends but now we can have an actual conversation going, without insulting each other and fighting, and I know, even if he most likely would deny it, both of us find it pleasant.

You know the rest or the story, it is a story we've shared after all. It was the natural development of things. As Hermione and Ron found where they belonged you and I grew closer. I doubt anyone was very surprised when we got together, or when we announced our engagement later on. It was the natural flow of things after all.

--The end---


End file.
